Author: Casey Jane

Check out my new page on Medium: https://plainplaincaseyjane.medium.com/my-unsolicited-opinion-c2fab75b1cb4

Let me know what you think!

(In alphabetical order because why would it be any other way?)

Action

This year I want to DO things. I don’t want to read about them or think about them or plan them out. I want to make shit happen for myself. A few things to do specifically: complete a sprint triathlon, become an angel investor, write a novel, and take a road trip. 

Adventure 

During my 26^th & 27^th year I spent a lot of time and energy moving: to different cities, to different jobs, and to different relationships. Now that I’m settled, I can put my time and energy towards exploring my new home and (hopefully soon) traveling to new places. 

Ambition

I’ve got a lot of audacious goals to get to before I turn thirty (the biggest one I got to cross off last year was becoming a COO), and I only have two years left to make it happen. 

Amusement

I want to laugh more. I want to find more things in the world around me entertaining. I want to resist the urge to zone out and numb myself with mindless scrolling or bottles of wine and start finding more pleasure in everyday things. Like the weird things my dog does. Like playing chess and drinking tea. Like bike rides.

Calm

Breath in peace, breath out prosperity. 

Care

Somewhere down the line I ingested the belief that caring about people and causes is a vulnerability that will only lead to pain. I started keeping things at a distance, and retreating whenever I felt moved by something. I stopped volunteering my support or empathy for anyone or anything. It’s time to off-load that belief and realign with my natural ability to care about things, and to view this as my strength, not my weakness. 

Clumsiness

Because, who am I kidding, it’s me. 

Confidence

Basically I’m going to be less of a bitch to myself, because no one wrecks my self-confidence more than I do. One of my closest friends often has to stop me mid-shame-spiral and ask “Would you say any of these awful things about me? Then why are you saying them about yourself?” This year, I am going to stop saying awful things about anyone. 

Courage 

Lately I have been guilty of doing the things I kind of want to do instead of the things I really want to do. I’ve convinced myself that I’m still taking steps in the right direction, but if something doesn’t work out, it’s no big deal, it’s not what I really wanted to do anyway. It’s time to start going after the things I want now, without worrying about what will happen if I don’t quite make it, or if it turns out not to be what I want later.  

Curiosity

What is the fastest way to learn a second language? How do financial markets really work, and how could we make them work better? What is my body doing when I back squat, and why? Do foxes have feelings? Why do the same types of wine not all taste the same? What makes a good parent? What’s the best technique for swimming? What is meditation, really, and what isn’t? Does my dog know I love him? 

Delight

Like a kid on Christmas, except all the time. 

Determination

This means leaving behind the fear of messing up that causes me to bow out too soon, to doubt myself and undermine my abilities when I haven’t given myself a fair chance. It means letting go of the worry that I will do something wrong so that I can learn to do it right. 

Eagerness

I don’t want to hesitate. I don’t want to make pro/con lists. I don’t want to get worked up and get in my head and chicken out. I just want to GO. 

Efficiency

One of my favorite things about myself is that usually I can find the fastest way to do things. Sometimes this means I do everything fast. I read one hundred books but I didn’t enjoy any of them. This year I want to use my skills for good instead of evil, getting things done quickly that I don’t want to spend time doing so that I have time to savor the stuff (activities, people, food) I like. 

Energy

No more sleeping in! No more binge watching Netflix! No more eating pints of ice cream in one sitting! Ok, maybe sometimes. But less times. 

Friendship

Old friends and hopefully some new friends in my new city once I can see people’s mouths again and don’t have to strike up weird conversations with strangers from six feet away. 

Generosity

I’ve been sitting in a scarcity mindset where there’s only enough for me and no one else. Only enough toilet paper at the grocery store for me, no one else. Only enough room on this sidewalk for me, no one else. Only enough time to get this project done, no time to help anyone else. We’re told the value of saying no, and maybe when you’re Oprah you just have to but I’m not Oprah so I’m saying yes, to everything that comes my way, and I’m trusting that there will be time, and space, and resources for all of it. 

Help

No seriously, you see this list? You think it’s getting done by me, all alone? 

Hope

Especially during the pandemic, my outlook on the future has felt bleak. All the big plans I had when I moved to DC haven’t panned out, and I feel like I’ve lost an entire year of momentum. With the outpouring of cancel culture and scrutiny I’m starting to question what I could do that would have any real impact on the world, or if anyone would even want to me to do it. I think we’ve all become a little disheartened. I’m looking to regain the hope that brought me to a new city, a new job, and new relationships, and *hoping* it’s around here somewhere. 

Humor

What do you call bears with no ears? B– 

Integrity

I haven’t always had strong moral fiber. I would not have made a good Disney hero in my early years. I have a lot of years left to change that but I’m not putting it off. 

Love

The thought of rejection sort of turns me into a fear-biter, but this year I will tell the people I love that I love them and I will NOT. BE. SCARED. 

Novelty

I want to something happen in space, like a shooting star or an eclipse or something. I want to figure out how to enjoy the snow. I want to try painting, or pottery, or knitting. I want to bring new experiences into my life. 

Reliability

This year I will be the kind of person that my friends and family know will drop everything and come running when needed. And I’ll be able to rely on myself, knowing that when I say I’m going to do something, I do my best to make it happen.

Rowdiness

And Rowdy, who constantly reminds that life is too short to act normal. 

Satisfaction

Time to stop looking for something else and embrace what I have. I get so caught up in the future, in how what I’m doing today might impact what I get to do tomorrow, instead of looking at today and realizing damn, this was a great day.

Skills

How to drive a stick shift. How to drive a right-hand-drive stick shift. How to understand a balance sheet. How to analyze a start-up idea. How to do your taxes. How to do a handstand. How to start a podcast. How to cook pasta sauce from scratch. 

Thoughtfulness

Taking the time to consider all options and possibilities, to be less hot-headed and more even-tempered, and to be more focused on how I do something than just getting something done. 

#4: Fleishman Is In Trouble, by Taffy Brodesser-Akner

This was one of those books that as a writer, I read and think, “yes, that’s exactly the kind of book I want to write.” I read it over the course of a week I spent with my family at Beech Mountain and didn’t want to put it down, yet found it easy to get swept back into the narrative no matter what distractions surrounded me, including two toddlers bumbling around in their snow gear. The prose is witty, sly, and endlessly highlight-able (I had over one quarter of the book highlighted on my Kindle by the end, a rare feat for me in fiction). 

One of my favorite narrative styles is when an author tells their story in a way that leads you see it from one perspective, and then unexpectedly tilts the frame so that you get an entirely new point of view. Brodesser-Akner spends the main portion of the novel pushing the reader’s sympathies towards the protagonist Toby as he deals with a divorce from his controlling, workaholic ex-wife, and only in the final pages shares a glimpse into her world, her struggles, and her ultimate inability to cope as a successful woman navigating a man’s world. 

What made this book such a wild ride is that I found myself viewing the ex-wife Rachael with such scathing distaste, even though I am by all accounts exactly like her! As I read I found myself making mental notes about her behavior, compiling a “what not to do” list for my own relationships: don’t be condescending to the men who make less money or have less status than you; don’t act crazy when someone questions your choices (aren’t you working a lot, why do you look so tired today, don’t you want to get married/have kids/paint that white picket fence?), don’t laud your successes over other people, etc. I was incredibly sympathetic to poor Toby, a successful doctor and loving father just trying to keep it all together, and constantly thought about how if I ever get married I’ll never treat my spouse like this. And then I got to the end and realized that even though I’ve lived through so many of the same experiences as Rachael—the sexism at work, the misogyny of being successful in a male-dominated field, the efforts made to balance work and home life, the persecutions of being tense/bitchy/psycho—I still condemned her just as harshly. 

The culture of male dominance is so prevalent that even living in it, we forget it exists. We forget how much of an impact it has on women. This book so masterfully proves that point, it gave me chills reading it. The only critique I had was the lose-lose situation Brodesser-Akner leaves us with in the end with the two main female characters. Rachael, a driven, independent business woman is left broken down and discarded, and the narrator Libby, who has resigned herself to a secondhand life with a husband she feels lukewarm about, writing a book she knows she will never publish. I have to believe that there’s a better outcome for intelligent women than that. 

#5: Steve Jobs, by Walter Isaacson

If you view Steve Jobs as your entrepreneurial role model, read this book. Isaacson is a master biographer, and his portrait of Jobs gives such clear insights into who he was as an innovator, CEO, and human being. Jobs broke a lot of the “rules” I’ve been taught about building a successful business: he was secretive, he dominated conversations and didn’t make it easy for employees to dissent, he worked slowly and never released a product he wasn’t completely satisfied with, he passed blame onto others, he overspent, he worked harder not smarter. Yet he built a company that undeniably has shaped our past, present, and future. 

I find myself conflicted writing this and trying to decide where to stand on my opinion of him, but ultimately it’s a conflicting choice. Jobs was a whiny, entitled crybaby who abandoned his family and gained success on the backs of people closest to him, people who arguably were far more intelligent and worthy of the accolades he later accepted (i.e. Steve Wozniak). But he was also a relentlessly dedicated builder who saw his products as a way to bring delight, simplicity, and access to people, and he refused to bend on his vision. He is a man who I think people should view critically, but ultimately you also have to respect his legacy. 

#6: The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera

If you’re interested in reading a novel of ideas, this is definitely the one I would recommend. A novel of ideas represents a philosophical point of view, using fiction as its medium, so it’s sort of like combining theory with story. Some noteworthy novel of ideas examples: The Handmaid’s Tale, 1984, and Ulysses (which, ok, I’ve never read but it’s on my list). Sometimes this can result in really dry, textbook-like reading (like, in my opinion, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance) and other times it can lead to stilted characters that are more representative than realistic (also in my opinion, like Candide). But Kundera strikes the balance of interesting ideology and compelling plot to make this novel both inquisitive and readable. As the title suggests, the novel contradicts the idea that heaviness—whether it be physical, mental, or emotional weight—is more burdensome than the appearance of lightness. It focuses mainly on the lightness of love and sex as fleeting, haphazard, and fickle, so basically the perfect book to read during ze month of luhve (say it in your head with a gushy French accent, it’ll be fun). 

#7: Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair That Changed America, by Erik Larson

I’ve heard nothing but good things from my fellow book lovers and history nerds about this work of non-fiction that reads like a novel, and truly Larson is a gifted researcher and writer. Unfortunately, I never got hooked by the plot, and found the chapters covering the construction of the fair completely boring. I was only half-heartedly interested in the serial killer, because from the onset you know exactly what’s going to happen: he’s going to murder someone. I would still try Larson’s other books, but this one wasn’t the right subject matter for me. 

#8: Meet 100 People, by Pat Hedley

Approximately 100 pages of stuff you already know, and therefore isn’t worth your time revisiting. I skimmed in in about fifteen minutes to see if any unique insights came up, without success. 

This month for the Is That a Challenge? Podcast, Bobby and I have been doing one thing to strengthen our relationship each day. Even though we’ve lived together since the beginning of the pandemic and are therefore the only people we really interact with all day, these little moments have really made our relationship much sweeter and richer. And it hasn’t been a radical shift from our normal day-to-day lives either; we’ve written love notes, slow danced to our favorite songs, cooked together, held hands and played board games. We didn’t have to plan a romantic getaway or buy extravagant gifts, we just became more intentional about our time together. 

This got me thinking about other simple lessons in love that have made my relationships deeper, and not just romantic ones.

Here are three love affirmations you can adopt that will help you be a better partner, but also a better friend, sibling, parent, co-worker, and even stranger: 

(And for those of you who aren’t as woo-woo as I am, an affirmation is a positive statement that you repeat in your head or out loud to embody it more fully… sort of like a compliment for your future self) 

# 1 I honor the vibe of our relationship 

To put it bluntly, there are two types of relationship: the type where you can fart next to one another on the couch, and the type where you hold it in. 

To put it less bluntly, I think it’s valuable to spend time assessing what kind of relationship you are in with someone as soon as possible. This doesn’t mean busting out a spreadsheet to analyze every new date you go out with; it means homing in on your intuition and listening to how you feel when you’re with someone. It also means accepting that different people fulfill different needs in different kinds of relationships at different points in your life. So as you spend time with the people in your life, make sure you’re both on the same page about what kind of relationship you want this to be and respect that vibe. 

When I first started dating Bobby I kept things hidden from him. I didn’t want him to know if I was feeling grumpy for no reason, or if I had a stomach ache from eating too much ice cream on a date night, or if I was tired and wanted to watch a movie when he wanted to go on a run. I had been in relationships where my opinion wasn’t valued, and where being unable to “go with the flow” had been used against me. I had learned that being myself wasn’t good enough, and that if I wanted to make a relationship work I needed to mold myself to whatever version of me my partner wanted that day. 

I was putting on a mask (lil Covid humor there for ya) because I was too afraid to be authentic, and it was stalling out our relationship. Bobby had to not only call me on my bullshit, but let me know that what he wanted was a real relationship with the real me, and that he didn’t have any expectations other than that. So if I was being moody for no reason, he would give me space. If I had a headache he would make my tea. If I’ve committed to going on a run but really I want to take a nap…ok, he will make me go on the run, but he’ll snuggle up with me after.

We decided to have a relationship that values honesty and gets us to a place were we are truly comfortable around one another, to the point where if I get food poisoning you best believe Bobby’s gonna be the one hunkered down in the bathroom with me. He’s the only person allowed to ever smell my farts, and that’s what I cherish so much about being with him: he knows me more than any other person, and I can trust him with that.

# 2 I take radical responsibility for the well-being of our relationship 

If you’ve been in a real relationship, and then had that relationship heart-breakingly end, you know that there is no such thing as an easy relationship. And yet sometimes we hold that as our expectation. We say things like “I just didn’t click with that person,” or “I want them to just get me, you know?” 

No, we do not know. Because no one is a mind reader, and no one has the time or energy to attempt to understand what’s inside of someone else’s brain. 

In college, I wrecked a relationship with one of my closest female friends over one careless and selfish night. This was a girl I had shared everything with, whose opinion I valued more than my own, but I had just gone through a rough break-up and was trying to get over it by making it with basically anyone…including a guy I knew she had a crush on. It was devastating to our friendship, not because what of what I did but because of how I handled it with her after the fact. I had a million excuses for what happened (I was drunk, I was sad about my ex, I wasn’t thinking) and I brushed off the incident because it was embarrassing and I was ashamed. I complained to my other friends that she was being dramatic, and after college we never spoke again. 

That was almost five years ago, and I’m still learning how to take radical responsibility with the people I care about. To me, this has meant adopting a “no opt out” mentality about close relationships. If I establish a connection with someone, I’m not letting go of that if they do something I disagree with or if we have an argument. Knowing that I can’t just opt out of a relationship forces me to confront any issues, be open and honest, and be willing to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation. 

Without judgement or shame, taking the perspective that every issue in any relationship I’m a part of is my responsibility, because it is. Taking radical responsibility means caring more about the other person than your own ego. And refusing to opt out has helped me opt in to much closer friendships that have actually grown closer through tough times–you know, those friends who can laugh about how stupid you used to be, but still love your stupid self today.

# 3 I love you and I’m not afraid to tell you 

I’ve always been uncomfortable saying I love you. Even growing up, my parents would end every conversation with “I love you,” and most times I found myself incapable of responding. The vulnerability! The potential for rejection! It was too much! 

I didn’t think it was a big deal to keep my feelings to myself. I’m just not an affectionate person, I told myself. I don’t gush about people, I don’t enjoy hugs, I’m just not “touchy feely.” I had no idea how wide a chasm I was building between myself and the people I cared about until one of my best friends confronted me about it. I’ve saved the text she sent me so that I’ll never forget it: 

I think one thing you can improve, and I’ve seen you get a lot better at over the years, is letting people know how much they matter to you. It’s strange, you’re so fearless in most other ways, but I think you’re scared to tell people what they mean to you. There have honestly been times when you later told me I was your best friend, but at the time I truly didn’t think that was how you felt. It’s something to be aware of because it’s hard to know what people think without them telling you. 

Everyone has their own ways of expressing and receiving love, but to say it is universal. I love you. Tell your parents. Tell your siblings. Tell your friends. Maybe don’t tell your boss. Tell your dog. Tell your partner, even when you’ve been stuck in the same house together for 365 days and they are STILL LEAVING WATER ON THE COUNTER WHEN THEY DO THE DISHES… say that you love them. Saying it out loud will subtly influence how you act—just like smiling makes you happier. 

My goal (as it is every year) of reading 100 new books is off to a rough start (as it is every year). In order to stay on track, I needed to complete 2 books a week, totaling 8 books for January. 

I read these three: 

#1: To the Lighthouse, by Virginia Woolf

Moving in and out of four different states in two years certainly helped lighten the load of books I was carting around, but somehow my secondhand paperback copy of Virginia Woolf’s novel stuck with me. I bought it from the university bookstore for a course (heyooo English majors!) but never actually read it. Unlike some college students or humans in general who can make it through life without actually doing the work, I was not a skimmer. I was a full-on, annotating, sticky-noting, re-reading reader. I don’t remember why I didn’t read Woolf’s novel when it was assigned, but I’ve kept it with a sense of duty that “one day” I will read it and this month I did! 

And I realized that the reason I probably didn’t read it in college is because it’s incredibly complex and boring. Woolf’s stream of consciousness style leads to some beautiful use of language, but the book is literally about a little boy at a summer home with his family who really wants to go and visit the lighthouse across the bay. Sure there’s also a lot about family dynamics and wartime and other things I’m sure I missed, but ultimately the style made it too difficult for me to keep up with Woolf’s dipping in and out of different perspectives and points of view. If you remain a good English major who loves the literary challenge, I say go for it. If not, I say there’s much better fiction out there. 

#2: Bitchfest, edited by Lisa Jervis & Andi Zeisler

            This book is an anthology of the top selections of ten years of cultural criticism from Bitch magazine, now Bitch Media, which I didn’t previously know existed (the book was a Little Free Library find). The book was published in 2006, so its included articles are a bit dated, but the contributors at Bitch have everything I was looking for in feminist-focused critical essays. They are articulate, witty, and diverse in representation and view point. I would especially recommend that every woman read “Urinalysis: On Standing Up to Pee” by Leigh Shoemaker, and that every man read “Dead Man Walking: Masculinity’s Troubling Persistence” by Brendan O’Sullivan, and that everyone read “On Language: You Guys” by Audrey Bilger. 

#3: When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi 

            This compact book is a memoir written by a neurosurgeon after being diagnosed with lung cancer, and is published posthumously. I read it in pieces over the course of twenty-four hours, because the language was so easy and soothing to consume. Kalanithi was a gifted writer and surgeon, which provided a unique reading experience that was both analytical and intimate. In my opinion, the books heart-breaking flaw was that it was unfinished upon Kalanithi’s death, leaving some of the philosophical arguments he presents and moral dilemmas he faces half-explored and largely unanswered. But it is this very flaw that provides readers with a rare insight into the early stages of the writing process, of a human being wrestling with their thoughts and their life in words. We don’t often get to see the first draft of a piece of work, and as someone interested in both the craft and purpose of writing, I really enjoyed the glimpse, however brief, into Kalanithi’s unedited mind. 

You can find all of these books, my ratings & what I’m currently reading on my Goodreads page. 

If you’ve been on the blog for a while (hi, mom!) you’ve noticed a trend, or rather, a lack of one: this blog isn’t actually about anything. I can’t describe it in a few words, or label it The Blog about (fill in the blank here). I’ve written about everything from why Monday’s are actually awesome to public school teacher strikes to the benefits of writing by hand. I even switched to writing fiction for a while. 

Similarly, I can’t neatly categorize myself as a writer either. I’ve written about yoga and Crossfit, but I’m not a “fitness” blogger. I’ve written about mindset and goal-setting, but I’m not a “personal development” blogger. I wouldn’t consider myself a go-to source for information on finances, reading recommendations, or flash fiction, and yet all of those things exist on plainplaincaseyjane.com. 

I’ve found that when I explain this, well-meaning people in my life gently try to discourage it. They tell me that if I really want to be successful I need to be specific. They tell me I should do things like “brand myself” as an expert. Specialize! Find your niche! Pick one topic and write in-depth about that, so that people know what they’re getting when they come to my posts. 

And of course, I disagree. 

I disagree because I am not an expert, in anything. And maybe I don’t want to be, at least, not yet. While I’m envious of people who seem to know exactly what they want to do with their lives and be willing to commit themselves whole-heartedly to its pursuit, I also recognize that I am not one of those people. I don’t just want to be one thing. I want to be a great writer, and I want to be excellent at running the company I work for. I want to be a competitive athlete and I want to be a devoted partner and friend who can fully enjoy the people in my life. I want to do good things in the world, and that spans doing everything from applying to join the FBI (one day) to reducing the amount of single-use plastic I use. 

I like sharing all of those pieces of myself on this blog, and I hope it empowers other people to explore their own multi-faceted hopes and dreams. I also hope that we are all humble enough to recognize that we shouldn’t be trying to learn everything solely from people we deem “experts.” There is so much we can learn from the person who is just one step further than we are on a journey we’d also like to take. I think it’s an excellent habit to read books, listen to interviews, and if you can have conversations with people who inspire you, who have deep knowledge of the thing you want to know more about. I think it’s just as excellent to approach every interaction as a learning opportunity. 

While I recognize that having knowledge a mile wide and an inch deep is just being a poser, I also recognize that my life is going to be about a lot more than just one thing, and that’s what I want to write about. I want to write about life, and all the myriad of things I’m passionate about, all the time. I don’t want to limit it. I don’t want to winnow it down or laser in on one piece of it. 

My commitment to my readers is to continue to grow my mile-long knowledge deeper, inch by inch, and to always be up front about what I do and don’t know. I will always be here to share my research, conversations, and experiences openly and honestly. And I hope you enjoy reading about the interests you share with me as much as the ones you don’t. 

If you want to stay in the loop on everything that I’m writing, be sure to subscribe to the blog by entering your email address on the home page. You can leave a comment on any post anytime you want to share feedback or have a conversation, and if you think more people should know about this blog, I would appreciate a share on social media!

We did a thing! 

Bobby and I are officially co-hosts of a new podcast, which can be found/subscribed to on most places where podcasts are typically found/subscribed to! I promise this entire post will not end in exclamation points but I’m excited! 

In October of 2019 we launched the “Is That A Challenge?” podcast. At the time Bobby and I were deep into a long distance relationship (he lived in Oklahoma and I lived in California), and we were looking for ways to feel close even when we were physically apart. Over time we noticed that our connection was the strongest when we were working towards a common goal – completing a challenge, if you will. These “challenges” ran the gamut of mental, physical and spiritual tasks. Bobby challenged me to start running more, so I challenged him to start reading more. We each practiced daily meditation, then spending time each day doing something creative and sharing it with each other. Bobby, who is more fun-loving by nature, encouraged me to do things just to be silly. Meanwhile I, who am more of a hard-ass by nature, helped Bobby get more organized and de-clutter. 

These experiences began to drive our conversations and motivated us further out of our comfort zones. We started dreaming up the triathlons we would run, the books we would write, the breath-holding contests that I would (obviously) win. Originally, the podcast was a way for us to document our conquered challenges and, of course, was something of a challenge in itself. Actually, our first official podcast—which will be released at the end of January!—covers the year-long struggle that was us trying to figure out the “right” way to do a podcast (hint: there is no right way). 

But more than just being an audio-version keepsake for Bobby and I, we hope that this podcast will start to form a little community. We want to see people stop being so scared of failure and start embracing the thrill of being a beginner. We want to connect with people who are willing to explore new things just to see what they’re capable of. 

If this sounds intriguing, we would love for you to subscribe to the podcast, give our upcoming episode a listen, and leave a review so that we know what you think. If listening gets you totally amped up then I encourage you to join in on our February challenge, which will be announced soon! 

Ok, enough with the exclamation points. Time to go become excellent at everything. 

Last year as the pandemic forced us all inside, I hunkered down in my home and filled my days with podcasts, news shows, Masterclasses, social media, TV series, novels and movies. I formed one-sided friendships with Emily Abbotte during her Hurdle podcast, learned about wine from James Suckling, finally caught up to the rest of the world by binge-watching Game of Thrones, and read many of my “one day” books, the ones I’ve been carting around since college but never really had a chance to dig into (a few of my favorites: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Beloved, and Lean In). It was a comfort to surround myself with virtual friends and mentors, but it has also left me feeling a little muddled. My thoughts were suddenly so crowded with the thoughts of others that for a while it felt like I’d forgotten how to think for myself. I had over-consumed and under-produced. 

In order to re-tip the scales, I’m trying to spend 2021 giving more than I take. It can be easy to hide behind the guise of “learning” by filling all of our time and energy with other people’s ideas, without ever really applying them, or considering ideas of our own. This year, I want to stop hiding. 

And by far the place in my life where I consume the most content is in personal growth and development. I’ve read all the research and learned all the tactics, even the really ridiculous and shitty ones. So I figured maybe this year I’d take a break from that kind of content. It’s not going anywhere, and just because I put it down for a few months doesn’t mean it won’t be right there for me to pick back up again whenever I want. 

In the meantime, I want to spend some time thoughtfully applying the things that I’ve learned thus far to actually formulate my own opinion on what works best for me. For example, do I agree with Warren Buffet’s philosophy of ruthlessly pursuing one passion and avoiding all other interests in service to greatness, or do I have a differing point of view? Do I benefit from crafting a vision board full of lofty goals or are tiny habits done slowly over time more my jam? Whatever it is, I’d like to spend this year finding it, so welcome to the journey! 

I’m calling this my “mindset thesis” because the process feels similar to the process I learned for long-form paper writing in college: 

research –> hypothesize –> outline –> test –> revise –> finalize

Of course I’ll be share all of these steps with you on the blog over the next few months, starting with a recap of the research I’ve spent a decent chunk of my adult life doing (lit review, anyone? English majors? Hello?). From there I’ll craft a hypothetical mindset thesis of my own, outline it, test, revise and finalize. If you are a huge nerd like me, maybe you want to do this too! Or you have suggestions for where I should begin, which I would love to hear about. 

So much good can be done when we all find the courage to think for ourselves, which in 2021 can sometimes feel like a radical act. Thanks for being on this journey with me, and I hope it encourages you to examine places in your own life where you might be taking someone else’s word for it when you should be taking your own. 

Do you ever Google yourself? 

It’s not something I’ve ever thought about, but after watching The Social Dilemma a few weeks ago I decided to delete some of my social media accounts, which made me curious about everything that exists about me online. So I typed my own name into the search bar, resulting in tons of information about other people with my same (very generic) name. I mean, I had to really cyberstalk myself to find any information about me and not the other more famous Casey Janes, which is how I managed to unearth my old blog, the original Plain Plain Casey Jane.

My OG blog was made on a free version of WordPress and is entirely black and white, because that’s what I was into when I was nineteen. It’s also entirely devoted to posts about ex-boyfriends and break-ups and GOOD LORD is it angsty. I mean, the drama! The pain! The exaggeration! The words furiously typed through my tear-blurred eyes and published without a second thought, without considering what an older, wiser plain plain Casey Jane might think. See, this is why people tell you not to get tattoos, because years later you’ll regret them. Well I have four tattoos and no regrets, but when I resurfaced these posts my first thought was how the fuck do I delete this and why have I let it continue to exist for so long? 

Growing increasingly desperate and manic, I spent an hour attempting to hack into my old WordPress account, to hack into my old college email address that the account is linked to, to reconfigure the google search results somehow, to burn down the entire internet, to change my name and move off the grid, because WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK IF THEY SEE THIS?!?! THIS IS JUST NOT WHO I AM ANYMORE!!! 

And then, I actually read it. 

It is every bit as ridiculous as I originally thought. I mean, I was a mess. At nineteen, I had absolutely no idea who I was or what the world had in store for me. I thought I was going to marry a guy a met in high school. I thought I was going to live in North Carolina forever. I was a Republican, for God’s sake. I had lived primarily through books, Lifetime movies and reality TV. And yet, it was me (note: was). And some of the writing was good, and some of the thoughts were decent, and I could tell from reading it that I really cared, and was trying my best. 

This is the problem with the internet cataloguing our every move, and with us letting it. We judge ourselves on what used to be forgettable. We remain haunted by the ghosts of our former selves for eternity. When I found this old blog, I felt ashamed. I thought, what if one day I publish a book and some critic finds this horrible online diary of mine and mocks me for it? Or if I run for public office and quotes from of my teenage misfortunes are used in a smear campaign against me? Or if I have a kid and they decide to google mom and see what she was like when she was their age and become disgusted by my general lack of togetherness? How will this be perceived, pinned in time with no additional context, without me here and now to explain? 

But the thing is, I am here. I exist, as an entirely different person almost a decade later, still thinking and experiencing and writing. I have been that girl, and the woman I am now is built off of that girl. And I guess anyone who can’t let go of my nineteen year old self, anyone who uses the memory of who I once was as a weapon against who I am, or who I am going to be, can go ahead and try. Because I’ve already learned the lessons of that nineteen year old girl and moved on. 

One of my favorite essays by Joan Didion states that, “…we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends…To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself and finds no one at home.” 

I sort of like that my still-imperfect 27-year-old self looks back on my cringe-worthy 19-year-old self with some embarrassment. Maybe it means I lived. Maybe it means I’m growing. I think we can all offer a little bit more of that perspective to ourselves and to the people around us. 

I can’t be the new me without the old me. I won’t be tied to who I once was, but I won’t ignore her when she pops up from time to time either. 

And so, if you’re curious, here’s the old me. I recommend pairing with a plastic cup of cheap white wine and some Bon Iver in the background. Please don’t judge me (also, some of this is legit fiction, as in 100% made up so really don’t even try to judge me). 

No matter what else happens today I still get to celebrate meeting my goal of writing and posting one short story every day in August. And that’s a really great feeling! 

I probably wouldn’t have made it this far if it weren’t for the friends who reached out to talk about my writing during the process. I’m so grateful to have people in my life who support me wholeheartedly, and who encourage me to pursue my actual dreams and goals instead of getting swept up in the expectations of others. I’d love to hear what stories you liked most, or what you’d like to see more of from me in the future, but to wrap up, here are my top 5 favorite stories that I worked on this month: 

1. Day 4 

Some stories took more than just one day to write, and this came from an idea I’d been working on for a few months. It’s not quite as done as I’d like it to be, but I was pleased with the characters I was able to come up with, and the premise of the fireworks causing some loss/obscuring of memory. I’d love to write a truly scary story one of these days, and this was my first attempt towards that. 

2. Day 7

Author Michael Lewis often talks about the entertainment of writing, and tells stories about his family hearing him laugh from his office while he works on a new draft of a novel. I just really enjoyed writing this story, and literally didn’t stop laughing about the dog thinking coffee is poop the entire time I was writing. 

3. Day 11 

I’m proud of myself for posting this story because, along with a few others I posted, I was worried about this piece being misunderstood and possibly offending someone. But I stand by my writing of it, and the importance of allowing ourselves to not be ok when things truly aren’t ok. Also, I’m super obsessed with punching someone, there, I said it. I just really want to punch someone, not out of anger as portrayed in the story, but with all my might just to see what it feels like. Goals? 

4. Day 16 

I honestly don’t know why I liked this story so much – I’m not much of a fan of writing fantasy, but I kept coming back to this idea and wanting to work on it. This is definitely one I’ll be refining more in the future. 

5. Day 26 

This story was inspired by a conversation with a friend, and it was something I worked on almost the entire month of writing. I knew I would never get it quite where I wanted it to be, but I liked all the things I was able to bring together there.