Continuing on my post from last week, I’ve been thinking about my last decade and trying to remember things as objectively as I can. I have a tendency to think things are way worse than they actually are in the moment, and then look back on the past as if it were so much better, when the reality is often somewhere in between.
As I’ve been talking with longtime friends and reading old journal entries, there are a few trends that stick out that I’m most proud of, and a few that I’m now determined to put an end to:
SUCCESSES
- Repairing my relationship with my family – Growing up, I wasn’t close with my immediate family and I assumed I never would be. We were too different, my siblings and my parents and I. I hoped that maybe one day I’d meet someone and become a part of their family, but I never thought I would be able to bridge the gap with my own. I’m glad to say I was wrong about that, and the past ten years have really strengthened my connection to my parents, my siblings, and my niece and nephew. The biggest change came from a brief stint in North Carolina in 2019 that gave me the time I needed to see my family in a new way as an adult, and goes to show that sometimes what we view in the moment as a set back (moving back in with my parents) was actually a set up for something better in the future (having an awesome family connection).
- Always taking advantage of new opportunities – In my ripe old age I can now say that I’m a big believer of taking advantage of new opportunities. You hear a lot of advice about how to get better at saying no, and while boundaries are important, I think your 20’s are the time to endlessly say yes. Bring abundance into your life and then cultivate it into what you want. I see a lot of hesitancy to do this, especially in younger women who think they aren’t ready or don’t have the skills to say yes to something. Trust me, I’ve been there. Many days I still feel like I’m there. Take a deep breath, tell that judgmental voice inside your head to calm down, and say yes.
FAILURES
- Staying in situations I knew were bad for me for too long – I used to crave compliments from people. “You and your partner are so cute together, you must love each other so much,” or “You’re so successful, how do you do it all?” or of course, positive comments about my body. Never mind if my partner was actually kind to me or whether we were actually in love or not. Never mind the time spent at jobs I didn’t enjoy just because I was good at them. Never mind the fact that I seemed to receive the most compliments about how great I looked when I was leaning into very unhealthy habits with food. It didn’t matter if other people approved, right? I’ve spent far too much of my life not trusting my own intuition, seeking validation from others instead of making my own decisions. In my 30’s I want to get better at knowing for myself, and making my own decisions regardless of the opinions of others.
- Not showing the people I love how much I love them – Mostly out of fear that they don’t really love me back. But I’m done being selfish with my love, maybe because now I have such a solid foundation of people who love and have loved me through so much of my life. I want to show the people closest to me how much they mean to me, but also the people I interact with day to day, even the people I only see briefly. Don’t expect me to go around singing songs and tossing flowers like a Disney princess, but do expect me to go out of my way to care for the people around me.
FEEDBACK
I’m pretty lucky to have some people who have been in my life for most, if not all, of my 20’s. I reached out and asked them: What do you think was the biggest change (hopefully for the better but could go either way) you’ve seen in me over the past decade?
And it’s super interesting, they all sort of said the same things (except my friend Todd who said something borderline inappropriate that doesn’t need to live online but was really funny):
- You have embraced yourself more. You used to exclusively want to be the “fun girl” and not let as many people see the more serious pieces…you are more likely to let others see your depth now.
- You seek a lot less external validation…you’re so much more comfortable with yourself.
- I used to feel like were itching to get out of your skin sometimes, and it seems like you’ve let yourself be a lot more.
- You used to let people into your life who were with you for some sort of validation of their own ego, and finally you have found kind people who seem to really get why you’re awesome.
- You’ve gotten stronger.
LESSONS LEARNED
All of this has lead me to a few personal lessons for myself that I’m taking with me into my next decade. I hope they might also be helpful to someone still in the midst of their 20’s, or anyone taking inventory of their past and moving purposefully into their future.
- I’m a lover and a fighter, which is a useful and unique gift. I’ve always struggled with what I’ve seen as two disparate pieces of myself: the creative and the businesswoman, the yogi and the athlete, the lover and the fighter. Moving forward I’m going to embrace both sides fully, trusting that when one needs to take over it will, and that I can exist in balance even with these two opposing forces inside of me.
- I can depend on myself…and on others. Asking for help is not a weakness. Let other people in to your life, they won’t let you down. And even if they do, you are always capable of picking yourself back up and doing for yourself what someone else was unwilling or unable to do for you.
- My most fulfilling life is lived in the present moment. I don’t want to live my life in retrospect, being so hard on myself in the moment only to realize after that I was doing so much better than I originally thought. By staying in tune with my emotions moment by moment, I can experience the full effect of living without feeling so out of control of my own life.
Cheers to a new decade! I’m excited to be happier, smarter, kinder, fitter, and better in my 30’s than I was in my 20’s. And when I think of the woman I want to be, I’m really fucking proud of the woman I am right now, because I know she’s fully capable of getting me there.