Damn.
(Is it appropriate to start a blog post with a cuss word? Probably not. Is it acceptable? To this audience, you should have probably seen it coming. Is it what I’m going with? Fuck yeah it is)
Another month has come and gone and with it, my notes are cluttered with half-written blog posts full of potential that got started and then stopped. Life lately has been reminding me of a phrase my RA in college told us our first week: “For the next four years you will want three things, good grades, a good social life, and good sleep. Unfortunately, you can only ever have two at the same time.”
I think from this I was supposed to learn that life is all about balance, about give and take. I’ve also been hit countless times over the head with professional development experts telling me the importance and value of saying no. So much of this information is helpful and well intentioned and should be paid attention to. And like so much else in my life that is helpful and well-intentioned and should be paid attention to, I’ve largely ignored the idea of saying no, in favor of saying YES always to everything.
Get a 200-hour yoga certification and adopt a high-maintenance anxiety-riddled dog during my first month in a new city and a new job as a fourth-grade math teacher?
Let’s do it.
Go on a 3-day backpacking adventure through the Appalachian mountains, including white-water rafting and one of the most difficult hikes on the east coast with no training?
I’m in.
Move across the country to run a company in an industry you’ve never worked in before at the start of a g global pandemic? Also, move in with your previously-long-distance boyfriend at a time when you have to shelter in place and literally won’t be able to get away from one another? Also also, start a networking group for female founders and funders and hey, why not take on a part time job as a yoga instructor again?
OK!
I don’t list any of these as brags, humble or otherwise, I list them as examples of things that ended up working out for me but probably weren’t the best decisions to have made at the time. What’s not on this list? The numerous times saying yes always to everything didn’t go so great for me.
That’s because those times aren’t as easy to quantify. It’s not the things I did, it’s the things I didn’t do. Instead of spending 200 hours in yoga teacher training, I could have been writing a novel. Instead of starting a new networking group, I could have had those evening for long runs or dinner with friends.
Instead of everything else I did this month, I could have set aside more than ten minutes to write this blog post.
If college (aka, life) is all about wanting three things but only being able to have two of them, my over-achieving self wants five things and I optimistically believe I can probably have four of them at a time. Right now those five things are: to have meaningful relationships, to be fit and heathy, to live adventurously, to be a badass boss at work, and to write.
Meaningful relationships: 5/5, I’ve never felt so supported in all of my relationships. My marriage, my family, my friends, my coworkers, even my favorite barista finally recognizes me (shoutout Dua Coffee in DC)!
Badass at work: 4/5 work is probably where things are going the best for me right now, but it’s also what’s taking up the most of my time. Still, it’s hard for me to criticize that, because I’m really enjoying what I’m doing and excited to keep doing it.
Live adventurously: 3/5 because I’ve loved camping and hiking and paddle boarding all summer, but I need to get my shit together and plan my trip to Peru which is currently 0% planned.
Fit & healthy: 2/5, I’ve made a ton of progress this year and feel better than I have in a long time, but still have a ways to go. I started a new workout program I’m obsessed with this month though, and as that workout program reminds me, something is always better than nothing.
Writing: 1/5 because I did journal more this month, but other than that every time I set aside time to write I end up doing something else like sleeping in or getting a jump start on my work emails, not because I didn’t get enough sleep or because I need the extra work time, but because writing is where I’m feeling the most frustration. Writing is where my little gremlin voice pops up and tells me I’m not good enough, so it’s not worth the effort, and my time would be better spent on anything else besides this.
So next month I’ll re-prioritize a bit. I’ll tell my gremlin voice that I understand it’s trying to protect me from getting hurt, but I don’t need it’s advice right now. I’ll write even when it’s bad, and I’ll publish even when I only had twenty minutes to pull something together. I’ll let the email go unread for a bit so that I can go to the gym.
At some point I’ll get around to saying no to some things. Right now, the best I can do is “not right now.”