Stressing About A Blog Post About Stress

I’ve been seeing a therapist through BetterHelp, not because I feel like anything is seriously wrong in my life, but because I feel like things could certainly be better than they are (and because I got a free month thanks to my yoga instructor insurance, so thank you BeYogi).

Growing up I was always creating. I could play pretend for hours, or write stories or plays or make up dances. My best friend in elementary school and I were obsessed with dogs, and we used to spend every weekend making dogs out of clay, giving them names and personalities, and putting on fake dog shows with them that my mom graciously “judged” for us. We even made shoebox dog houses for them to live in. Then at some point, I think I started to see creativity and play as things that kids did. I was ready to be an adult, and what adults did was work hard and set goals and get shit done. So I started to do that too. I think that was the point where I also became anxious, where I let the artist in me fade and the competitor in me flourish. (I’ve written previously about balancing the multiple sides of our personality, and how both of these sides have helped me get to where I am in life). 

I’ve always viewed anxiety as both an undeniable fact of my life and a taboo good luck charm, meaning that I figured I would always be a worrier so there was no point in trying to change it, and that secretly I felt that maybe all my worrying was what made me accomplish so much of what I wanted so far, so I didn’t really want to change it. 

But recently, a few new developments have popped up. First, I got married. And all of a sudden I had this whole list of things to deal with that didn’t just impact me, and that I wasn’t the sole controller of. If I was worried that maybe I wasn’t living in the right city or working at the right job I couldn’t just quit and move and pick up somewhere new and exciting. If I had doubts about my abilities as a wife, a coparent, or a bonus mom to our eight-year-old son, I can’t just convince myself that it’s because I’m no good at those things and decide to go be something else. For the first time in my life I can’t run away, check out from, or exchange my problems. 

So I started talking about my anxieties with my husband Bobby, who has been featured in my blog posts many times before. He’s pretty awesome. And when I told him about my belief that my anxiety was a core part of who I am and how I came to be this way, he asked me to tell him some of the anxious thoughts I have about myself, to pull them from my subconscious and say them out loud. 

As I gave him the list, I started to cry. At first as I said things I thought maybe I was just being dramatic, but as I went on I realized this truly is my internal dialogue, and that it physically hurt to say these things out loud. Things like: 

No matter how hard you work at this you’ll never be good at this. You’ll never even be average.

No one really enjoys spending time with you. They can’t stand you. 

You’re ugly. You’re fat. You shouldn’t be looked at. 

Even writing it now, I want to qualify it with something like “But don’t worry, I’m ok really!” or “Maybe I’m just being a drama queen, it’s not like I think this way all the time.” It fucked me up, having to say out loud the diatribe I’ve been hurling at myself for years now. It fucked me up enough to decide that therapy was probably a really good idea. 

And I’m not sure if it’s acceptable to write publicly about your therapy session for other people to read (Hannah May, best friend and soon-to-be world-renowned therapist, if you’re reading this let me know what the rules are), but I wanted to share that after a few sessions, this shit really does work. It works because talking about it changes the way you start to think about it, whatever “it” is. For me, it’s my anxiety. I’ve started to realize how much I’ve tied my self-worth to my ability to do things, instead of liking me for me. 

So if you’re a people-pleasing lunatic like me and want some advice, here are some of the tips from my therapist that I’ve really been taking to heart: 

1. When I find myself obsessing about negative thoughts, I write them in a journal. Whether it’s reliving a past experience that I wish I could change or stressing over some future event that hasn’t happened yet, writing it out helps me break the cycle of repeating it in my head and helps me feel like I’ve done something about the problem so that I can let it go and move on. 
2. Every week I have a to-do list of 20-50 things that “need” to get done in the week, both personally and professionally. Instead of trying to tackle as many things as possible every single day, now each morning I choose 3 items from the list and just focus on getting those done. Once my “Big 3” to-dos are complete, I can either do more things from the list as a bonus, or I can rest without feeling guilty that nothing is getting accomplished. Now you may be thinking (like I did), 3 things every day for 7 days is only 21 things… what if you have more than 21 things on your to-do list? Then you delegate. Or you delete. And you realize that the world doesn’t end just because your to-do list isn’t empty at the end of the week. 
3. I’ve found things to do just for fun. We all know how important self-care is, but usually what resting looks like for me is sitting on the couch watching a TV show while my mind is racing about all the things I could or should be doing instead, leaving me more exhausted and more anxious. When my therapist asked me what I do for fun, I told her that I like working out, reading books, and spending time with friends and family. She pointed out that all these things are directly tied to my goals or how I identify myself (being fit, being smart/reading things for work, being liked by others). She asked again what I do just for myself, just for fun, and I didn’t have anything to say. To change that, I’ve taken up crocheting, which is great because I have no desire to be known as a knitter or to knit the best blanket in the world, so I can do it just to relax and just when I feel like it. Other things I try to incorporate into my days: taking my dog on long walks without headphones or my Apple watch (because listening to a podcast at 2x speed while trying to get my steps in is NOT fun); coloring in my Jason Momoa coloring book (which is a real thing and is wonderful); making a good cup of tea. 

I have always been hesitant to try therapy because I never felt like anything was “that bad” or that I had any problems I couldn’t handle on my own. And maybe that’s true, but therapy isn’t reserved for bad situations, and it’s not about fixing people. Being married has been the coolest things I’ve ever done and it’s also the thing I discuss most with my therapist. 

If this post has got you curious to explore your options for therapy, here are a few steps you can take: 

1. Explore BetterHelp. They match you with a licensed therapist based on a quick survey and you get unlimited video sessions, phone calls, and messages for $60-$80 a month. 
2. If you have health insurance that will cover some or all of the cost of counseling, try looking on Psychology Today for a therapist in your area that accepts your insurance. Most therapists have an easy online contact option to get in touch, and will schedule a quick phone call with you to see if they would be a good fit for what you’re looking for. 

The beginning of a new year is when we pay renewed attention to our purpose, and we jump into action towards our goals. We feel more hopeful, more focused, and more productive. Remember to put some of that energy towards your mental health as well, whether it’s starting a fun new hobby or talking to someone about what’s worrying you. Here’s to a healthy and happy 2022!