This month for the Is That a Challenge? Podcast, Bobby and I have been doing one thing to strengthen our relationship each day. Even though we’ve lived together since the beginning of the pandemic and are therefore the only people we really interact with all day, these little moments have really made our relationship much sweeter and richer. And it hasn’t been a radical shift from our normal day-to-day lives either; we’ve written love notes, slow danced to our favorite songs, cooked together, held hands and played board games. We didn’t have to plan a romantic getaway or buy extravagant gifts, we just became more intentional about our time together.
This got me thinking about other simple lessons in love that have made my relationships deeper, and not just romantic ones.
Here are three love affirmations you can adopt that will help you be a better partner, but also a better friend, sibling, parent, co-worker, and even stranger:
(And for those of you who aren’t as woo-woo as I am, an affirmation is a positive statement that you repeat in your head or out loud to embody it more fully… sort of like a compliment for your future self)
# 1 I honor the vibe of our relationship
To put it bluntly, there are two types of relationship: the type where you can fart next to one another on the couch, and the type where you hold it in.
To put it less bluntly, I think it’s valuable to spend time assessing what kind of relationship you are in with someone as soon as possible. This doesn’t mean busting out a spreadsheet to analyze every new date you go out with; it means homing in on your intuition and listening to how you feel when you’re with someone. It also means accepting that different people fulfill different needs in different kinds of relationships at different points in your life. So as you spend time with the people in your life, make sure you’re both on the same page about what kind of relationship you want this to be and respect that vibe.
When I first started dating Bobby I kept things hidden from him. I didn’t want him to know if I was feeling grumpy for no reason, or if I had a stomach ache from eating too much ice cream on a date night, or if I was tired and wanted to watch a movie when he wanted to go on a run. I had been in relationships where my opinion wasn’t valued, and where being unable to “go with the flow” had been used against me. I had learned that being myself wasn’t good enough, and that if I wanted to make a relationship work I needed to mold myself to whatever version of me my partner wanted that day.
I was putting on a mask (lil Covid humor there for ya) because I was too afraid to be authentic, and it was stalling out our relationship. Bobby had to not only call me on my bullshit, but let me know that what he wanted was a real relationship with the real me, and that he didn’t have any expectations other than that. So if I was being moody for no reason, he would give me space. If I had a headache he would make my tea. If I’ve committed to going on a run but really I want to take a nap…ok, he will make me go on the run, but he’ll snuggle up with me after.
We decided to have a relationship that values honesty and gets us to a place were we are truly comfortable around one another, to the point where if I get food poisoning you best believe Bobby’s gonna be the one hunkered down in the bathroom with me. He’s the only person allowed to ever smell my farts, and that’s what I cherish so much about being with him: he knows me more than any other person, and I can trust him with that.
# 2 I take radical responsibility for the well-being of our relationship
If you’ve been in a real relationship, and then had that relationship heart-breakingly end, you know that there is no such thing as an easy relationship. And yet sometimes we hold that as our expectation. We say things like “I just didn’t click with that person,” or “I want them to just get me, you know?”
No, we do not know. Because no one is a mind reader, and no one has the time or energy to attempt to understand what’s inside of someone else’s brain.
In college, I wrecked a relationship with one of my closest female friends over one careless and selfish night. This was a girl I had shared everything with, whose opinion I valued more than my own, but I had just gone through a rough break-up and was trying to get over it by making it with basically anyone…including a guy I knew she had a crush on. It was devastating to our friendship, not because what of what I did but because of how I handled it with her after the fact. I had a million excuses for what happened (I was drunk, I was sad about my ex, I wasn’t thinking) and I brushed off the incident because it was embarrassing and I was ashamed. I complained to my other friends that she was being dramatic, and after college we never spoke again.
That was almost five years ago, and I’m still learning how to take radical responsibility with the people I care about. To me, this has meant adopting a “no opt out” mentality about close relationships. If I establish a connection with someone, I’m not letting go of that if they do something I disagree with or if we have an argument. Knowing that I can’t just opt out of a relationship forces me to confront any issues, be open and honest, and be willing to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation.
Without judgement or shame, taking the perspective that every issue in any relationship I’m a part of is my responsibility, because it is. Taking radical responsibility means caring more about the other person than your own ego. And refusing to opt out has helped me opt in to much closer friendships that have actually grown closer through tough times–you know, those friends who can laugh about how stupid you used to be, but still love your stupid self today.
# 3 I love you and I’m not afraid to tell you
I’ve always been uncomfortable saying I love you. Even growing up, my parents would end every conversation with “I love you,” and most times I found myself incapable of responding. The vulnerability! The potential for rejection! It was too much!
I didn’t think it was a big deal to keep my feelings to myself. I’m just not an affectionate person, I told myself. I don’t gush about people, I don’t enjoy hugs, I’m just not “touchy feely.” I had no idea how wide a chasm I was building between myself and the people I cared about until one of my best friends confronted me about it. I’ve saved the text she sent me so that I’ll never forget it:
I think one thing you can improve, and I’ve seen you get a lot better at over the years, is letting people know how much they matter to you. It’s strange, you’re so fearless in most other ways, but I think you’re scared to tell people what they mean to you. There have honestly been times when you later told me I was your best friend, but at the time I truly didn’t think that was how you felt. It’s something to be aware of because it’s hard to know what people think without them telling you.
Everyone has their own ways of expressing and receiving love, but to say it is universal. I love you. Tell your parents. Tell your siblings. Tell your friends. Maybe don’t tell your boss. Tell your dog. Tell your partner, even when you’ve been stuck in the same house together for 365 days and they are STILL LEAVING WATER ON THE COUNTER WHEN THEY DO THE DISHES… say that you love them. Saying it out loud will subtly influence how you act—just like smiling makes you happier.