Written: on my couch
Powered by: Ramen
Inspired by: “Feel Good Classical” playlist on Spotify
What’s up y’all this is Teagan, your Peloton instructor for today. I’m here to get you movin’ and groovin’ so saddle up ‘cause we’re going on a ride!
Alright fam, I know times have been tough lately with this pandemic, and then the recession, and then the stay at home orders and then the shootings and the protests and the killer bees and all. But remember that we are all in this together, hell even the post office is struggling, we are all struggling and that is OH-KAY! Because through the struggle we can succeed, and if that sounds like a load of shit, just pedal a little harder.
Sorry team, I’m not actually allowed to curse on the bike, so let’s just start over. I don’t usually get personal, but I’ll let you know that I’m having an off day here. I know it doesn’t look like it but that’s because my studio apartment’s been transformed into a workout set and there’s Vaseline on my teeth to keep me smiling!
But sometimes it’s hard to keep up the façade, you know, and I feel like I can be real with y’all. I mean, after filming 153 new rides in the six months of lockdown, you kind of owe me one. So I’ll fill you in on how my life has been going.
Again, it may seem great from the other side of the screen, staring at my toned belly and ever-so-slightly sculpted shoulders. But don’t let that thriving plant in the corner lead you to believe that I’ve got it all together. Actually, my boyfriend broke up with me last night on FaceTime, he said if we can’t see each other in person then what’s the point? Also, I used to supplement my goal of becoming a fitness icon working part time at night clubs but I can’t do that anymore and Peloton pays like shit so I have literally no income right now! And you may not know it because this lighting purposefully washes me out, but I’m BLACK bitch, and all this shit right now is really too much for me.
Ok, sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m really just not myself today. Whew, let’s all just take a deep breath and wind down the intensity in our minds to CRANK UP THE INSTENSITY ON OUR BIKES, that’s right people let’s get moving! Pump it, really push, give it all you’ve got, go so hard until all you can think about is the burn in your legs, forget about the fact that your credit card bill is due in two days, forget about the fact that you haven’t had sex in half a year, forget about the fact that you’re starting to feel a little bit sick, it’s probably just a cold, forget about your life, forget about yourself, and just —
Fuck. My fucking pedal broke. These things are a real piece of shit, you know that? This whole thing, this whole LIFE is a real piece of shit, you know that? That plant over there, it’s not even real. It’s PLASTIC bitch, PLASTIC.
You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get my ass onto an actual bike and go on an actual bike ride. Outside. Where the plants are REAL! And I’m not gonna get the sweat pouring or pump up the volume or grind it out or whatever else the fuck I’ve been saying on this hunk of junk for the past year. I’m just gonna ride, and honestly, I don’t give a fuck what you assholes do in the meantime. Teagan OUT!