This year for Valentine’s Day I decided to write myself a love letter. The next day I would be moving to a new city and this letter felt like a way for me to celebrate the person I’ve become and also prepare for a new chapter. As I started to write, it was way harder than I anticipated. Why is it so much easier for us to identify the qualities we love in those around us, but so difficult in ourselves? Maybe because we don’t do it enough. Maybe because a Valentine’s Day love letter should be something I spend more than just one day a year on, something I cultivate in myself day by day.
Dear Casey,
I don’t always do the best job of showing it, but I really do love the shit out of you. There are plenty of lives I spend time envying, but I wouldn’t pick anyone else to be, ever. I’m with you all the way.
Don’t ever forget that you are a force to be reckoned with. Your bravery has taken you through so many experiences others would be too terrified to try, and it will continue to lead you if you let it. Tell your fear to fuck off. Tell your insecurities to chill. People will tell you it’s unwise to go for what you want, to take risks for yourself and for the people you love. Good thing you are a terrible listener.
But do be careful, because all too often you turn your tremendous force back on yourself, in judgement and shame and regret. It’s finally time to put down the memories you’ve been beating yourself with, the worries and anxieties that threaten you. Maybe it’s also time to put down the scale you use to weigh the merits of those around you, because it’s just too harsh. People are not files on a computer, you can’t organize them to your specifications, you can’t satisfy yourself by suffering over the details. All you can do is love them.
Because they certainly love you. It’s a true testament, the people spanning across the country that will always be there for you. They love your determined, competitive side as much as they love the silly, soft and vulnerable side. They love that you would rather spend time outside, or at the gym, or reading a book than out at a bar or binge-watching Netflix. They love that you take the stranger on the street to Popeye’s and give him twenty dollars for dinner and a bus ticket (even though you should probably stop doing that), and when you have a love like that there is really very little else that you need.
You have it all, girl. Your long legs can carry you the distance of all the places you want to see, your strong arms can carry all the books you’ll ever want, your hungry mind will get you in and then out of all the best and worst situations and everything else is covered by your unstoppable heart.
Life so far has not been what you had planned, that’s for sure. I think it had to happen that way, to stir up that deep-hidden sense of adventure within you. And to remind you that ultimately, it’s not up to you. Keep making your lists and thinking through your strategies because honestly there’s no way for you to stop, but do it knowing that there is so much more at work than you.
I will always be in your corner. I will always be ready to pick you up when you’re down and to run with you when you’re wild. And I can’t wait to see what you do next.
Love,
You & the universe