January 2019
This was not how things were supposed to go for me. How had I ended up here, moving back in with my parents in North Carolina with no job and no idea what I was doing? I missed my friends, I missed my independence, and I missed this one guy in particular who showed up in my life just weeks before I left. I spent an average of 3 hours a day on Instagram, scrolling through all the lives I wished were my own.
February 2019
Found a job at a yoga studio, and then another, and then another. Now I averaged 3 hours a day at the gym, although I kept to myself and didn’t talk to many people. My mom became my best friend. I read at least a book a week, usually more, because it made me feel like I was doing something productive. Nights were reserved for FaceTime with friends in other states (geographically and mentally), and with that guy I missed who somehow always made me feel better about everything. Dozens of job applications completed, with only two or three responses: thanks for applying, but…
March 2019
My sister and my mom sit in my room, watching me try on clothes, telling me what to keep and what to donate. A job offer in San Francisco was my surprise 26th birthday present, and though my dad offers me a job just to stay, but my bags are already packed. I part with books and clothes and pieces of myself that I don’t need or won’t fit. I celebrate with a trip to Seattle with that guy I’ve been wanting to see again ever since I left Tulsa. Are we really going to do this? We ask ourselves, but there is really only one answer.
April 2019
California is everything. I love all of its best and worst parts: the taco trucks, the Muni, the hills, the dog parks, the four roommates and one cat, the beach, the wine. I walk everywhere, I want to see everything. People tell me I should get a bike, but I don’t want to miss anything. I am also too clumsy to be trusted, as the guy reminds me on FaceTime one night. I am in the honeymoon phase with my life, with the city, with my job, and with him.
May 2019
Walking home from Whole Foods with two bags of groceries, a man starts to follow me. I pick up the pace, change directions quickly and try to lose him, but every time I glance back he’s there. I don’t know where else to go so I go home. I run up the stairs and my hands are shaking as I put my keys in the lock. When I go inside he is standing at the foot of the stairs and smiling up at me. I shut and lock the door and watch from the front window as he paces back and forth down the street, talking to himself. He runs up to the door, bangs on the glass like he wants to break it. He rings the doorbell, “I know you’re in there,” he says.
June 2019
My boss goes on paternity leave for a month, and I am adopted into a new team with a new manager. With him, everything that I do is wrong. Day by day he strips away the tasks and responsibilities I was given and tells me to sit back and support. Not my style. I feel like I am meaningless here. Good thing I have good friends, who have amazingly popped up all over the place, inviting me into their worlds filled with French food and experimental cocktails and day trips all over the state.
July 2019
The guy comes to town for July 4th, but it is too foggy to see any fireworks. We go to the Exploratorium instead. I am always impressed by his willingness to do anything to make people laugh, to make people feel happy and comfortable. When he leaves, my life settles back into its routine: the bus, a cubicle from 9-5, the gym, home. I feel like I could do more, be more, but I like my routine. I feel safe there.
August 2019
After four months I am reunited with my dog, who bounds excited and somewhat disoriented from the plane to greet me. He poops on a succulent and growls at every dog we pass on the way home, but he seems to like all the smells and loves the food and trash he gets to eat off the San Francisco streets. In the mornings I take him with me to the track for a run and during the day he hangs out in my room and avoids the house cat. Still, it doesn’t quite feel like home here.
September 2019
A new offer, this one coming all the way from Washington, DC. This job sounds like a dream to me, and I tell myself not to get my hopes up, that eventually they will realize that I’m not ready, I’m not the girl they think I am. But the more they believe in me the more I start to believe in myself. I can do more. I can be more. But how can I feel ready to leave this place where I’ve always wanted to be? Then the guy says he thinks he would like DC…
October 2019
I start to say goodbye to the city, knowing that I can always come back whenever I want. It’s hard to leave something behind that I have always thought I would want forever, but by now I know that I can do hard things. I also know that life is linear but living it isn’t; you can always go back, and sometimes that’s the same as moving forward.
November 2019
In three days the guy and I see Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Albuquerque, and Oklahoma City. He sneaks embarrassing pictures of me when I fall asleep in the car. We stop often to see the view and let the dog pee, and we catch up on all the podcasts we’ve always wanted to listen to. For Thanksgiving I make my mom’s famous pecan tarts and bring them to his family’s house, and we spend the day playing spoons and secretly shotgunning cans of beer with his cousin outside. It is the best Thanksgiving I have ever had.
December 2019
I sit in a Santa Cruz coffee shop, writing these words and getting ready to get in the ocean. In three days I head back to North Carolina, where this year began. I am still the same person but I feel so different. The last time I was in North Carolina I felt like I had ruined my life. This time, I accept that my life has a lot more resilience than that.
Next year I will move to Washington DC to become the Director of Operations for a venture capital and business advisory group. Actually, we will move. Because 2020 wouldn’t be complete without my dog. Or without that guy I’ve been telling you about.
So proud of you and will never stop being impressed by how brave you are!