Written across a toilet seat in a grungy coffee shop in the mountains of North Carolina is this phrase: Create something today. Even if it’s shit.
Of all the motivational books I’ve read, inspiring quotes I’ve scrolled through, and uplifting speeches I’ve heard none has resonated with me as much as these words Sharpie-d across the seat of a toilet in a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.
Six months ago, I set a goal for myself. I started a blog with the hopes of posting something new at least once a month, if not more.
This was six months ago. Up until today, there have been only two posts on this blog. Every week it’s been on my to do list: write blog post. Most weeks I have an idea, an a-ha moment that gets me started typing, but after a few minutes my fingers have faded and I’m closing my Word document, sadly clicking ‘No’ when asking if I want to save the changes I’ve made.
These past six months, I’ve been making changes. But they haven’t felt big enough, or good enough, to save.
So I started thinking about all of the reasons I would start, but not finish, something I cared so much about and wanted so badly to do. Here’s what I came up with:
I’m tired (Read: I’m scared)
I’m busy (Read: I’m scared)
I’m lazy (Read: I’m scared)
I realized that my relationship with my blog has become a self-fulfilling cycle of nothingness: excuse –> anxiety –> remorse –> excuse. Here’s what it looks like for me.
First, I make an excuse for why I won’t work on the blog today. I tell myself that I’ve got too many other important things on my plate to focus on, or that I deserve a break, or that I’m simply uninspired and should wait until I feel more in the mood to write.
Then, I feel anxious for not doing what I’ve always wanted to do, which is write. Last, I start to associate my decision not to work with my ability to write. I tell myself that the idea I had wasn’t really that interesting, and even if it was I tell myself that I don’t have the skills as a writer to relate to anyone else, let alone inspire them to make a change. This negative self talk reverberates around in my head until I force myself to feel better by heading back to my excuse, or coming up with a new and even better one. The cycle repeats.
Maybe you recognize this cycle in your own life. If not with your empty blog, maybe with your new year’s resolution to run a marathon, or your goal to reach a promotion or a raise in your job. I have to assume that a fair amount of us feel something like this every day, because I have to assume that we all have dreams we continue to strive for. If we are all reaching for something better, we know what it’s like to achieve that just as well as we know what it’s like not to.
A wise friend told me that saying “I’m stressed” is the socially acceptable way to say “I’m scared.” Our response to stress, and fear, is to hide. We coat our choices in titles like ‘self care’ or ‘me time’ and refuse to admit that maybe all we’re doing is refusing to face the problem. Because y’all, I am scared. I am so freaking scared all the time. I’m scared because there is so much I want to do, so much I want to be, things I can’t even comprehend yet and every day that I’m not moving towards those things I know that I’m moving away from them. I want to do SO much that I end up doing nothing.
We start our days trying to figure out how to do these difficult things we want for ourselves. Maybe it’s setting aside time for meditation, committing to a new relationship, or learning to speak Spanish. As soon as we get started all these little excuse start whispering in our ears. And excuses are not always lies. I am tired! I am busy! We all are! We are all juggling our multiple lives in the era of the millennial multi-tasker, simultaneously trying to be the most incredible boss/dog mom/athlete/student/innovator/human possible. It’s overwhelming, so procrastinating on the things that are hard is our reward, and adding things to our plate that push our priorities out of whack is our solution to being afraid.
But eventually what happens is we stop doing the things we really want to do. And we start telling ourselves that maybe we didn’t want it that much in the first place. Think about this: how many of us still do the things we loved as a child? And think about this: how many times have you started out Monday morning promising yourself a week of clean eating, only to be derailed by a donut in the break room or an invitation to happy hour. One decision skews your choices for the rest of that week, and by Thursday night your sitting in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s thinking “oh well, guess I’ll try again next week.”
What have you given up on just because it seemed like you had missed that opportunity? What has been on your to-do list for months now that you need to revisit, or recommit to? How many business ideas, cook books, art galleries, building designs, personal records, families, or non-profits has the world lost because we were too afraid to pursue them?
Hear me on this: pleasure seeking instead of pushing towards a goal doesn’t mean you don’t want it. It means that you’re too scared to pursue a goal, and are pursuing pleasure instead.
People are always telling us to find a job where we don’t have to work a day in our life. While this paints a nice picture in our heads, it’s just that, a nice picture. Because being the best version of yourself takes work. And work is hard.
One of my favorite podcasts is hosted by a successful writer who says that writers like having written, not writing. We like the product of our work, not working. But there’s no other way to get there, so what do we do?
We have two choices: we pursue, or we pleasure. And we’re going to spend the rest of our lives doing both over and over again, because that decision never goes away. Sometimes we won’t make the choice that lines up with our goals, so we start over. And we keep starting over as many times as we need to, building on the start we made the time before.
Here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to chip away, everyday, at the goals I have set for myself. I’m done throwing out my goals because of one decision, or one day. And I can’t live gratefully and be anxious at the same time. So I choose gratitude. I choose to realize how incredible the world is because of what we put into it.
So do something today. Show it to someone. Then do it again. Trust me, it feels damn good. Even if it takes you five months to get back to it.
